Parenting was never a cake-walk, but teenage years of the child are definitely one of the trying times for parents. Six years of teenage from 13 to 19 are actually a stage of metamorphosis for the child when he takes a leap into the adult world. My Health Guardian explores the world of teenagers
(Karan with sister Tanya)
Fifteen-year-old Vipul was brought to Dr Jayanti Dutta, a well-known consultant clinical psychologist in Delhi, because he had turned abusive and violent in his behaviour towards parents, as they could not afford a swanky car for him and were driving plebeian Maruti Alto which did not conform to his peer group. The child even suggested that they could do away with the mum’s jewelry to deposit the margin money for the car.
“Such blatant materialism!” reflects Dr Dutta. “Somewhere, we might have gone wrong as parents,” says she.
The transition years of teenage though simple becomes complex because different factors are at play: peer pressure, immature juvenile mind, curiosity about sex to name a few. But, the way you deal with the teenage minds is going to affect their psyche for years to come. And this is where the challenge of parenting a teen lies: how to screen your child from the negative peer pressure and to instill values so that he grows in a responsible adult.
Vera Garg, Lead Teacher, Social Studies, at the American Embassy School, New Delhi, a proud mother of two grown up sons says, “I never had a difficult time with my children in their teen years, for the simple reason that we believed in talking a lot, mostly across the dining table where we shared our day’s high and low points everyday. We were vigilant all the time, nevertheless we trusted them. ” Shalini Nambiar, director Excelsior American School, Gurgaon had always counseled parents to let children follow their dreams, but when her son decided to do so it was not an easy decision for her. “My nineteen-year-old son Karan got an interview call from IIM, which he did not want to continue. Rather he asked me to give him two years of his life to pursue his dream of music. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life to let my child do what he wanted, because as a parent I would like him to be secure. But then, parenting is all about letting children follow their dreams, I guess,” says she.
CHALLENGES
PEER PRESSURE: “After having spent so many years as a clinical psychologist, if you ask me I will say that the biggest factor that influences the mindset of children is the peer pressure,” informs Dr Dutta. She is distressed at the growing promiscuous behaviour in well known Delhi public schools, where teenage children make out during school time so that they can get peer acceptance. It is in the peer pressure that teenage children give in to underage drinking and driving.
COUNTER IT:
Vera had during the growing years of her children often discussed with them which behaviours are cool and which are not. Under age drinking and driving were surely un-cool behaviours. “And, I never hesitated to give instances of my life where I have gone wrong, so that the children don’t get the impression that as parents we are infallible,” she recalls.
“Teenage children love to party and if you gain access to their peer group, you know how to screen your child from the negative influences. I party a lot at my place with the friends of my children and have a great time together. By doing this I also make sure that children are not overstepping boundaries,” shares Shalini.
INTERNET: There is so much uncensored information available all the time, and it can devastate the psyche of the child too.
COUNTER IT
Vera says, “The only way to outsmart the internet is by being vigilant.” Besides being vigilant, Shalini believes in rationing the time spent on the internet and the rules should be set in consultation with the teenage child.
Dr Dutta is all for having internet connection in the family room. In fact, this whole concept of child’s space, his room does not appeal to her for the reason that parents then become unaware of what’s happening behind the bolted door.
CURIOSITY ABOUT SEX: This is but natural.
HANDLE IT
As a parent you should make your child aware which is around ten years of age, says Vera. If the child is not supplied right information, he will find half baked ones which can be dangerous in these times. In fact, tell your children about body boundaries as well about the physiological changes that happen to him/ her in this age, says Shalini.
IDENTITY CONFUSION: Dr Reema Sehgal, counselor at Bal Bharti school says, “Teenage is a time when the child is groping for identity and his peer group supplies him with that. When your child turns rebel this is his cry to be noticed.”
HANDLE IT
The trick here is to pick your battles wisely. “My son wanted to grow his hair in his teen years, and I let him do so. Soon he got tired of it and got it cut. Similarly, I never made an issue when he got his eyebrow pierced, it was just a fad, and he got bored out of it,” says Shalini.
EXPERT COMMENT
Keep the lines of communication open. Talk a lot and don’t ask questions such as how was your school? You will evoke a one word response after which child will clam up. Instead, ask what your friend got for lunch today? The idea is to help the child open up.
Refuse to become a money minting machine to the child. Rather, spend time with children and nurture their emotions. Resist the urge to bury children with unreasonable gifts all the time, because by doing this you’re setting expectations in their minds.
Be there for your child always.
Establish rules that are non-negotiable.
Finally, your teenage child needs a parent. Be that.
“Such blatant materialism!” reflects Dr Dutta. “Somewhere, we might have gone wrong as parents,” says she.
The transition years of teenage though simple becomes complex because different factors are at play: peer pressure, immature juvenile mind, curiosity about sex to name a few. But, the way you deal with the teenage minds is going to affect their psyche for years to come. And this is where the challenge of parenting a teen lies: how to screen your child from the negative peer pressure and to instill values so that he grows in a responsible adult.
Vera Garg, Lead Teacher, Social Studies, at the American Embassy School, New Delhi, a proud mother of two grown up sons says, “I never had a difficult time with my children in their teen years, for the simple reason that we believed in talking a lot, mostly across the dining table where we shared our day’s high and low points everyday. We were vigilant all the time, nevertheless we trusted them. ” Shalini Nambiar, director Excelsior American School, Gurgaon had always counseled parents to let children follow their dreams, but when her son decided to do so it was not an easy decision for her. “My nineteen-year-old son Karan got an interview call from IIM, which he did not want to continue. Rather he asked me to give him two years of his life to pursue his dream of music. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life to let my child do what he wanted, because as a parent I would like him to be secure. But then, parenting is all about letting children follow their dreams, I guess,” says she.
CHALLENGES
PEER PRESSURE: “After having spent so many years as a clinical psychologist, if you ask me I will say that the biggest factor that influences the mindset of children is the peer pressure,” informs Dr Dutta. She is distressed at the growing promiscuous behaviour in well known Delhi public schools, where teenage children make out during school time so that they can get peer acceptance. It is in the peer pressure that teenage children give in to underage drinking and driving.
COUNTER IT:
Vera had during the growing years of her children often discussed with them which behaviours are cool and which are not. Under age drinking and driving were surely un-cool behaviours. “And, I never hesitated to give instances of my life where I have gone wrong, so that the children don’t get the impression that as parents we are infallible,” she recalls.
“Teenage children love to party and if you gain access to their peer group, you know how to screen your child from the negative influences. I party a lot at my place with the friends of my children and have a great time together. By doing this I also make sure that children are not overstepping boundaries,” shares Shalini.
INTERNET: There is so much uncensored information available all the time, and it can devastate the psyche of the child too.
COUNTER IT
Vera says, “The only way to outsmart the internet is by being vigilant.” Besides being vigilant, Shalini believes in rationing the time spent on the internet and the rules should be set in consultation with the teenage child.
Dr Dutta is all for having internet connection in the family room. In fact, this whole concept of child’s space, his room does not appeal to her for the reason that parents then become unaware of what’s happening behind the bolted door.
CURIOSITY ABOUT SEX: This is but natural.
HANDLE IT
As a parent you should make your child aware which is around ten years of age, says Vera. If the child is not supplied right information, he will find half baked ones which can be dangerous in these times. In fact, tell your children about body boundaries as well about the physiological changes that happen to him/ her in this age, says Shalini.
IDENTITY CONFUSION: Dr Reema Sehgal, counselor at Bal Bharti school says, “Teenage is a time when the child is groping for identity and his peer group supplies him with that. When your child turns rebel this is his cry to be noticed.”
HANDLE IT
The trick here is to pick your battles wisely. “My son wanted to grow his hair in his teen years, and I let him do so. Soon he got tired of it and got it cut. Similarly, I never made an issue when he got his eyebrow pierced, it was just a fad, and he got bored out of it,” says Shalini.
EXPERT COMMENT
Keep the lines of communication open. Talk a lot and don’t ask questions such as how was your school? You will evoke a one word response after which child will clam up. Instead, ask what your friend got for lunch today? The idea is to help the child open up.
Refuse to become a money minting machine to the child. Rather, spend time with children and nurture their emotions. Resist the urge to bury children with unreasonable gifts all the time, because by doing this you’re setting expectations in their minds.
Be there for your child always.
Establish rules that are non-negotiable.
Finally, your teenage child needs a parent. Be that.
