TEENAGE DILEMMAS

Parenting was never a cake-walk, but teenage years of the child are definitely one of the trying times for parents. Six years of teenage from 13 to 19 are actually a stage of metamorphosis for the child when he takes a leap into the adult world. My Health Guardian explores the world of teenagers

(Karan with sister Tanya)

Fifteen-year-old Vipul was brought to Dr Jayanti Dutta, a well-known consultant clinical psychologist in Delhi, because he had turned abusive and violent in his behaviour towards parents, as they could not afford a swanky car for him and were driving plebeian Maruti Alto which did not conform to his peer group. The child even suggested that they could do away with the mum’s jewelry to deposit the margin money for the car.
“Such blatant materialism!” reflects Dr Dutta. “Somewhere, we might have gone wrong as parents,” says she.
The transition years of teenage though simple becomes complex because different factors are at play: peer pressure, immature juvenile mind, curiosity about sex to name a few. But, the way you deal with the teenage minds is going to affect their psyche for years to come. And this is where the challenge of parenting a teen lies: how to screen your child from the negative peer pressure and to instill values so that he grows in a responsible adult.

Vera Garg, Lead Teacher, Social Studies, at the American Embassy School, New Delhi, a proud mother of two grown up sons says, “I never had a difficult time with my children in their teen years, for the simple reason that we believed in talking a lot, mostly across the dining table where we shared our day’s high and low points everyday. We were vigilant all the time, nevertheless we trusted them. ” Shalini Nambiar, director Excelsior American School, Gurgaon had always counseled parents to let children follow their dreams, but when her son decided to do so it was not an easy decision for her. “My nineteen-year-old son Karan got an interview call from IIM, which he did not want to continue. Rather he asked me to give him two years of his life to pursue his dream of music. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life to let my child do what he wanted, because as a parent I would like him to be secure. But then, parenting is all about letting children follow their dreams, I guess,” says she.

CHALLENGES


PEER PRESSURE: “After having spent so many years as a clinical psychologist, if you ask me I will say that the biggest factor that influences the mindset of children is the peer pressure,” informs Dr Dutta. She is distressed at the growing promiscuous behaviour in well known Delhi public schools, where teenage children make out during school time so that they can get peer acceptance. It is in the peer pressure that teenage children give in to underage drinking and driving.

COUNTER IT:

Vera had during the growing years of her children often discussed with them which behaviours are cool and which are not. Under age drinking and driving were surely un-cool behaviours. “And, I never hesitated to give instances of my life where I have gone wrong, so that the children don’t get the impression that as parents we are infallible,” she recalls.

“Teenage children love to party and if you gain access to their peer group, you know how to screen your child from the negative influences. I party a lot at my place with the friends of my children and have a great time together. By doing this I also make sure that children are not overstepping boundaries,” shares Shalini.




INTERNET: There is so much uncensored information available all the time, and it can devastate the psyche of the child too.

COUNTER IT

Vera says, “The only way to outsmart the internet is by being vigilant.” Besides being vigilant, Shalini believes in rationing the time spent on the internet and the rules should be set in consultation with the teenage child.
Dr Dutta is all for having internet connection in the family room. In fact, this whole concept of child’s space, his room does not appeal to her for the reason that parents then become unaware of what’s happening behind the bolted door.

CURIOSITY ABOUT SEX: This is but natural.


HANDLE IT
As a parent you should make your child aware which is around ten years of age, says Vera. If the child is not supplied right information, he will find half baked ones which can be dangerous in these times. In fact, tell your children about body boundaries as well about the physiological changes that happen to him/ her in this age, says Shalini.

IDENTITY CONFUSION: Dr Reema Sehgal, counselor at Bal Bharti school says, “Teenage is a time when the child is groping for identity and his peer group supplies him with that. When your child turns rebel this is his cry to be noticed.”

HANDLE IT

The trick here is to pick your battles wisely. “My son wanted to grow his hair in his teen years, and I let him do so. Soon he got tired of it and got it cut. Similarly, I never made an issue when he got his eyebrow pierced, it was just a fad, and he got bored out of it,” says Shalini.

EXPERT COMMENT

Keep the lines of communication open. Talk a lot and don’t ask questions such as how was your school? You will evoke a one word response after which child will clam up. Instead, ask what your friend got for lunch today? The idea is to help the child open up.

Refuse to become a money minting machine to the child. Rather, spend time with children and nurture their emotions. Resist the urge to bury children with unreasonable gifts all the time, because by doing this you’re setting expectations in their minds.

Be there for your child always.

Establish rules that are non-negotiable.

Finally, your teenage child needs a parent. Be that.

What should you eat during exam time?

Exams involve stress. This time of the year is heavy with the anxiety of students cramming for their forthcoming class X and class XII exams. Obviously, students are frazzled studying for their exams and nutrition takes a backseat. This is the time when nutrition becomes more important than ever. My Health Guardian shares tips for fuelling your body and brain during exams.
Do not skip breakfast. Quick healthy options include--
Whole grain cereal/ wheat flakes, milk and banana
Instant oatmeal with raisins and milk
Vegetable upma or poha
Mixed vegetable porridge with boiled egg
Missi roti /Stuffed Parantha with buttermilk

§ Re-fuel every 3-4 hours. For long lasting energy, start with a fruit or vegetable; add a grain product and some protein (milk, cheese, yogurt, meat, eggs, fish, beans, nuts, seeds or peanut butter.) Plan study breaks and include a light meal or snack to keep your blood sugar and energy levels stable.

§ Have healthier snacks available. High fat, high sugar snacks provide little brain fuel and can cause unwanted weight gain. Have healthy options in your reach. The season offers many healthy options like—raw carrot with lemon juice, roasted almonds or walnuts, chocolate milk, steamed corn to name a few.

§ Cut down on caffeine. While caffeine can give you an immediate energy boost, its effects are short-lived. Overdo it and you’ll feel—jittery, restless, irritable, and unable to relax. Limit your caffeine intake to 2 small cups of coffee per day and try lower-caffeine beverages like green or herbal tea or decaf coffee.

Hydrate yourself. Not drinking enough fluids can leave you with a headache.

§ Avoid mindless munching. It’s easy to polish off a bag of chips or savoury snacks while you’re concentrating on your notes or reading, so don’t bring snacks to your study spot. Eat only in the kitchen or away form your desk. Take regular study breaks and look for true hunger signs.

Use non-food stress busters. Learn to decrease stress without turning to food. Get some fresh air, take a walk around the clock, call a friend, put on your favourite music, take a 15 minute nap, play a game of solitaire, or try some yoga, deep breathing or meditation.

Or better yet, make a list of some nice things to do for yourself when your exams are finished!

Is my child eating right?

What do women discuss when they congregate? One of the subjects surely is the eating habit of their children. Not only mothers are disturbed about their children’s eating behaviour but also fuss around it. The fact remains that no child stays hungry. But, we have to ensure that the children are eating well, after all growing kids need more nutrition. Dr Rajeev Chabbra, consultant Pediatric and Neonatal Intensivist at Artemis, Gurgaon says, “Roughly children’s meals should be divided as: morning breakfast, mid day snacks, lunch, afternoon snacks, dinner and post dinner feed.”

“Offer your children milk, as soon as they wake up and before they retire to bed,” advises he. As it has been proven in the studies that if a child is given milk before sleeping they have sound and peaceful sleep. Breakfast of cereals is good as it contains complex carbohydrates which provide slow release of energy to sustain longer, the other options being poha, paranthas, sandwich,idli etc.

• Mid day snack portion may contain fresh fruits, handful of dry fruits


• Lunch should have a portion of vegetables, bowl of pulses/legumes, chapati/rice along with salad so as to fulfill the requirement of carbs/proteins/fats and fibres.


• Afternoon snack may include a glass of juice or some snacks which may be puffed rice/bhel puri/sweet potato/sweet corn/steamed peas,etc.


• Dinner should be the same as that of lunch and one should change the dal as different dals contain different proteins. If you are child eats non-vegetarian, give him/ her chicken and fish.


• To increase protein intake especially in growing kids, 5 eggs per week is recommended or for vegetarians cheese slices/cubes should be consumed.

Picky eaters

“Children who are fussy eaters are most of the time otherwise normal and it is always a behavioral problem. Stop fussing over their eating pattern,” Dr Neelam Mohan, consultant incharge Pediatric Gastroenterology at Ganga Ram.

Try to make mealtime a joy time for the family and as far possible sit together and eat same type of food.

Avoid offering food alternatives to the child. You should be firm but polite in your rules. Once a while junk food should be allowed but not regularly. Try to eat everything yourself as your child is watching you and will follow your eating behaviour.

Do not eat in front of the TV. If the child refuses to eat don’t shout or scream, just remove the food from there and do not offer any other alternative.

What should I buy?

The market is flooded with various milk food drinks for children. Each brand promises much more than the other, which leaves the consumers (in this case harried mothers) very confused. “Despite the tall claims made by each manufacturer, a closer look at the ingredients in these drinks shows they are more or less similar for all. They all contain milk solids, malt extracts, a sugar source (liquid glucose, dextrin, etc), flavouring, and are fortified with vitamins and minerals. Almost all the drinks are fortified with the B- Complex vitamins - thiamine, riboflavin, niacin, vitamin B6, and B12. The common property of B- vitamins is that they are essential for the metabolism and proper utilisation of energy, carbohydrates, proteins, and fat,” says Dr. Mohan.

Sail through the school interviews

These days there's a lot of hype surrounding the school admissions process. Entering into the school life is one of the many exciting milestones of childhood. However, it can also be a stressful time for both children and parents. When it comes to getting children admitted to formal schools, most parents take it very seriously. No wonder, you feel anxious about how you and your child will perform in the interview.

Admission at nursery level is generally based on an oral test of the child and interview or the parents. The main objective of the oral test is to observe the child to see what all qualities the child has; whether the child is active and really interested in studies: whether the child has got the capabilities to understand what the other person says and if so, how much receptive the child is, etc.

Known and unknown syllabus

• Identification of alphabets, colours, etc.


• Identification of birds and animals, vegetables, fruits


• Identification of common objects like household articles such as table, chair, pen, pencil, car etc.


• Recitation of one or two nursery rhymes


• Finding out missing alphabets and numbers: a, b, _, d, e, _ and 1, 2, 3, _, 5,6,7, _, 9, _, 11.


• What is your name?


• Name the days of the week, etc.

Preparing for the day

Get tension free

Your child will be judged according to her speech, perception of the world, and basic skills of reading and writing. So, do not take tension. Talk to your child enthusiastically about the big school, her admission and positive aspects in an interesting and friendly manner. Your worries will travel to her. Remember it is the first and not the last interview. So don’t punish her and always try to encourage with positive motivation.

Licensed to think

Preparation for the school interview is not an overnight activity. Interview or no interview; let your child express herself freely. Children shy away from neighbours, guests and relatives. This tendency should be curbed. The child must be able to express her thoughts and knowledge well, of course without being overconfident. This will ultimately help her to create a good impression in the 15 to 20 minute short interview.

More interactions

Make your child alert to the environment around her. Give satisfactory answers to her questions. Habits like greeting visitors, shaking hands with new acquaintances, saying hello to neighbors, wishing a New Year to a loved one, will help the child to not only do well in the interview. But these will be lifetime gifts.

Be neat and clean

Teach cleanliness as a matter of principle. Be strict with the child when it comes to maintenance of hygiene. Teach the child to clean hands before and after every meal. Do not allow her to fancy long nails. Stop him from spitting in public places.

Handle with care

Teach the child to take care of her belongings and manners. She should know the importance of discipline and punctuality in her life.

Before you hit the school

• Listen for any expressions of anxiety.
• Talk with your toddler about their feelings.
• Brainstorm with them to find things she can do to feel better.
• Make sure she is getting enough sleep.
• Make sure you are not over scheduling her.

Inputs Dr. Arti Anand, consultant clinical psychologist, Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, New Delhi.

What’s your child surfing?

The Internet has become an indispensable element of life for most people in the contemporary world, and children are not excluded. It’s a place where your kids jumble with others and enhance their social life. While it's a valuable resource for schoolwork, communication, recreation--and learning essential computer skills—there’re dark sides too. As a parent it is important to assume the responsibility for your child's online computer use, at home, at school, and even in the library. Sujaya Guha reveals more on this.

There are roughly 30 million children using the Internet today. It has brought the world into our living rooms, and in doing so has provided the opportunity to meet and communicate with people from all over the world. Today there are many sites contain areas where children and teenagers can post personal information about themselves including their name, age, location, photographs, contact details and in some instances their sexual preference. In many cases the predators attempt to gain a child’s trust by pretending to be the same age as their victim.

Dr. Arti Anand, Consultant Psychologist, Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, New Delhi expresses, “Internet bullying occurs more frequently with children. Threats, harassment and psychological torment via email or in a virtual chat can have a devastating effect on your child.”

Warning bells

• You find pornography on your child's computer.
• She is spending a large amount of time on the Internet.
• Receiving gifts, phone calls or mails from people you do not know.
• When you enter the room she changes the screen or turns the computer off.
• Increased aggression, poor school performance, fear, etc.

Steps towards safe surfing

Block out
Get to know the services your child uses. If you don't know how to log on, get your child to show you. He may not reveal everything but it’s a good start - at least he'll know you're interested. Find out what types of information it offers and whether there are ways for parents to block out objectionable material.

Right place
Locate the computer in a common room such as in the playroom or in your bedroom rather than in your child's bedroom. Children will be less likely to seek out inappropriate information and you can more easily monitor the website they are visiting.

Select the site
Discuss with your children what kinds of sites you feel are okay for them to explore, and which sites are not. “Tell them that not all web sites are friendly and if they encounter a site that makes them feel uncomfortable, they should leave the site immediately,” suggests Dr. Arti.

Avoid meeting
Never allow your child to arrange a face-to-face meeting with another computer user. If a meeting is arranged at last, make it in a public spot, and be sure to accompany your child. Be very careful about any offers that involve your coming to a meeting or having someone visit your house.

No chance to chat
Discourage your child from entering chat rooms. If there is a chat room on a topic your child would like to participate in, enter into the chat room together.

Be cool
Dr. Arti Anand shares, “Don't panic if you discover any record of inappropriate pictures or conversations on a computer after your child has used it. Talk to her if you're worried and explain that she shouldn't give out personal information to people she meets on the internet. Try to control your temper and handle the situation warily.”

Watch out

• A survey shows that more than a quarter of 11 to 18-year-old people visit adult websites, while 27% of them interacts with strangers online.
• Most children that fall victim to computer-sex offenders spend large amounts of time on-line, particularly in chat rooms. They may go on-line after dinner and on the weekends.
• Computer-sex offenders work very hard at driving a wedge between a child and her family or at exploiting their relationship.

When thumb sucking refuses to go

Your baby sucks thumb. This worries you. Take heart. Almost all babies suck thumb, in their initial years. It is a normal response to anxiety or hunger. Research shows that even unborn babies, who won’t experience hunger, suck their thumbs. My Health Guardian finds more about this childhood habit.
Thumb sucking is known to peak between 18 and 21 months and more than 80 percent children give up this habit before the age of four to six, on their own.

Thumbs down

Normally children outgrow thumb sucking. But if the child persists with thumb sucking beyond the age of 4 years, parents need to worry.

“A strong thumb sucking habit by a child beyond the age of five or six can alter the jaw line and result in ‘buck teeth’ where the front teeth may be pushed out of alignment. This can alter the shape of the face and lead to an open bite”, says Dr. Shilpi Tandon, dentist with Max Healthcare.
Dr. Tazeen Kidwai, consultant paediatrics with Max Health care says, “Children sucking their thumb are at increased risk of gastro-intestinal infections. Speech problems may interrupt the normal flow of conversation in such children and they begin to mispronounce ‘t’ and ‘d’, lisp and thrust out the tongue when talking.”
In fact, thumb sucking leads to a ‘cause and effect’ kind of scenario. “Friends can take jibes at such children, which in turn can increase her anxiety levels and lower her self-confidence. In a bid to soothe themselves, they begin sucking their thumbs and try to hide this from parents and peers”, points out Dr Arti Anand, consultant psychologist with Sir Ganga Ram Hospital.
In extremely rare circumstances, children continue with thumb sucking even in their teen years. “For them counseling helps”, informs Dr. Arti.

No more thumb sucking

1. Give stars. “You might mark a star on a calendar when the child goes without thumb sucking for each period (such as a day or week). Reward her by counting the stars she gets at the end of the week Then again give her some bigger gift as well more stars at the end of the month. Thus the child will be motivated to leave thumb sucking automatically,” shares Dr. Arti.
2. Divert her mind. While your child is watching TV, have toys available for her to play with. Sit with your little toddler during this time and give a hug to help her not to suck. Lots of praise and support should prove as an ally to help your child. In the car, give some toys to distract her attention from sucking the thumb.
3. Bitter bite. Your dentist or paediatrician can prescribe a bitter medication to coat the thumb. Apply this before she gets sleep or whenever you find her sucking her thumb.
4. Bind the thumb. Put gloves on your child’s hands or wrap her thumb with a bandage or a cloth. Explain her that it is not for the punishment but to remind her to get rid of thumb sucking.

Always keep in mind that nagging will not help, but patience and perseverance will.

St-ut-ter-ing in children

Stuttering is fairly common in children and more boys stutter than girls. This speech disorder scars the confidence of children and the sooner speech therapy is resorted to better it is for the confidence of the child. Dr. Asha Agarwal, eminent speech therapist working at Sir Ganga Ram Hospital writes----

The first time when I met Madhukar, he had come to my clinic with his mother. He was tugging at her sari while she talked to me and I saw a six-year-old boy with a thick mop of unruly black hair and sad eyes. His mother shared that Madhukar didn’t like to go to school these days. She was quick to clarify that he was a good student who usually got ‘A’ in all his written work at school. But, he had become a loner, refrained from meeting with his friends and was reluctant to participate in oral tests at school. Whenever Madhukar would open his mouth to answer, normally he would take a second longer to speak the word which gave an opportunity to his teacher to correct and his fellow classmates to sneer.

Like Madhukar, hundreds of children lose confidence in their capabilities because of stuttering that hampers their development. Learning to speak is a liberating experience for a child as it allows him to express his feelings. But speech becomes a deterrent to his development when each time he opens his mouth he fears that someone is going to correct him or people will make fun of him. Stammering usually gets detected in children by the time they turn 3 to 4 years old, because this is the time when they develop a vocabulary of words. But, I have come across episodes of stuttering in a two-year-old child. Initially stuttering is episodic; it comes and goes.

Contrary to myths, one cannot outgrow stuttering. In fact, if it does not get cured it can leave psychological scars in the child’s mind. Children with stuttering begin to lose confidence and resort to gestures to communicate. Studies have time and again reiterated that stuttering runs in families.

Boys stutter more than Girls. In 30 years of my experience as speech counsellor, I have seen thousands of cases and ratio of boys to girls is 70-30. However, girls stutter at an earlier age than boys. Emotions and stammering connect. Often, children who speak normally might stammer if they are agitated, afraid or under stress.

How speech therapy helps

Speech therapy helps in lowering the stutter by using various techniques to develop fluent speech that reduce anxiety levels of children, which helps them to talk more fluently and confidently.

• Relaxation – To co-ordinate breathing and reduce oral pressure.
• Phonation – co-ordinate breathing with articulators with soft contacts
• Automatic speech – to practice technique effortlessly
• Reading – short stories in simple sentences with voice continuity.
• Reading and Narration
• Conversation in close-set with strangers.
• Telephonic conversation
• Conversation in different situation like public gathering, presentation etc.
• Maintenance and follow up
• Parents involvement

Coming back to Madhukar, he regained his confidence when he learned to speak without stammering. Sometimes he does stammer when he is too angry and for these moments his mother hands him a glass of water to cool off. He looks forward to go to school and has huge gang of friends.